Breaking The Myth Of Self-Care
Self-care is something that small business owners tend to leave last on their massive to-do list, or worse, it’s not really self-care.
Today, we tend to think that taking care of ourselves needs to involve a manicure, facials, massages and getting your hair done - when in reality, all you need to do is a check-in with yourself. In today’s episode, Anne Brady, a social worker and owner of a therapy practice specializing in treating anxiety and trauma in Columbus, Ohio, helps us dispel the myth of self-care to really help us grow.
How she started her business.
Anne has been in the field since she was in college. This was a point where she learned just how much she loved to hear other people’s stories and learn how they relate to each other. What fascinated her was the growth process and how they got better, healthier and happier with a more solid life.
While working in corporate, Anne realized that the life of business meetings wasn’t for her. Anne knew that working as a clinician for an agency or organization would have been a step down so she pivoted. “This is actually kind of my retirement plan,” says Anne. “I planned on having my own private practice when I was… towards the end of my career.” Jumping into having a private practice only 10 years into her career, Anne is loving being her own boss and getting to do her own thing.
How self-care conversations are cliche.
Although Anne loves that people are speaking about self-care more now than ever before, she admits to feeling that it’s become all about the latest face masks and yoga class. It’s about adding more things to your list and spending more time instead of connecting with yourself. Anne sees clients come into her office who do all the things from getting nails done to hair and massage but their in terrible relationships or stuck in jobs they hate.
How to really do self-care.
Start by reconnecting with yourself. Anne admits that, although it sounds simple, this is difficult. Don’t get Anne wrong, she’s pro face masks and doing all the typical self-care things because you really want to. She encourages you to ask whether you really want the face mask and, if so, great!
Ask yourself, “What do I want? Do I want to do this face mask?” and What's going to make me feel relaxed?” Because it’s not always the face mask that you really need. It could be that you just read an article about how this is your self-care when, in reality, you HATE face-masks.
It’s all about:
What do I want?
What do I need?
Does this feel good?
Do I feel energized?
Is my body feeling strong and healthy?
When it comes to zoning out on some Netflix, Anne gives us permission, as long as we’re checking in. Again, ask yourself how you’re feeling. Is Netflix binging a habit? Does my back hurt? Should I stretch? Am I getting tired?
The 3 components of real wellness.
SELF-CONNECTION
We’ve talked about the first one. Self-connection is all about dropping back into your body and self to check in on what you want or what you need rather than following external orders.
BOUNDARIES
This second component is a tough one. Not just because it involves boundaries with yourself but also with relationships, family and business or work.
Think of boundaries as a way to manage your resources. This includes your personal resources and emotional energy balanced by the way we’re prioritizing. Watch out for the shoulds. When you tell yourself you should be a “good wife” or you need to do XYZ to be a “good business owner” your boundaries will come down and it can be difficult to connect with yourself. Once you’re clear with your connection, you can really clarify the boundaries.
When creating your boundaries, start small, such as not doing any business tasks after 5 pm. Anne says it comes down to being intentional.
The hardest boundaries to set up are those in relationships, such as friends, family or a spouse. These sorts of relationships have more emotion connected to them, along with family culture and guilt. This is where you have to get clear on what you want the relationship to look like and stick to it and have an emotional budget for others and their ask of you.
Think of it as a budget. You allocate funds to marketing and other aspects of your small business. You also need to check-in and not go overboard on one portion of the budget. Spending more than you have leads to problems and, when it comes to your mental health, it can lead to burn out.
SELF-TALK
This is the inner monologue that we have going on all the time. The things we say to ourselves are often crueler than anything we’d say to someone else. Work to shift your talk to resemble what you’d say to someone else. “Don't say things to yourself that you wouldn’t say to your kids, or your partner or… someone that you love,” says Anne. “Instead, work to find what I like to think of as the coach voice.” This voice isn’t someone who's just criticizing, shaming and putting you down. It’s also not just a cheerleader. Instead, it’s someone who acknowledges you, your efforts and tells you that you can do better by tweaking something.
The difference between stress and burnout.
Anne defines stress as something that’s external and goes away, like sitting in traffic. By the time you get home, you’re not still thinking about being stuck for over an hour in bumper to bumper traffic. As business owners, we’re sometimes down to the last minute on a deadline, but once it passes, the stress is relieved.
Burn out is more like chronic stress. Both stress and burnout can have similar symptoms, like headaches, digestive issues, not sleeping well, and irritability among others. We all know the kinds of stressors in our lives but we also have to pay attention to how you’re coping. “If you know, when you're not feeling great, you sit down to Netflix, and you're like, ‘Oh, wait, I've done that eight days in a row.’ Maybe something's going on. Maybe you should check in here,” says Anne. Realizing how you typically cope will help you recognize the stress before it gets to burn out.
Once in burnout, things start to feel a bit more meaningless. Even after a deadline passes, you’re still exhausted and sick of what you’re doing. You still have anxiety, trouble sleeping and not feeling well.
But being in burnout doesn’t mean it’s helpless.
“You do probably need to pull back a little bit, and listen to your body,” says Anne. “If you are feeling exhausted all the time, that probably means you need some rest, and finding ways to pull back and to set some better boundaries with work, finding ways to listen to yourself, to connect back into what's going to feel good.” She recommends finding what will bring you joy and energize you.
Letting go of some things is also important. Decide on what gets to happen first. What’s more important? If it’s client work, put the blog post on next week’s task list instead. If you can only work 4 hours that day, what can you do in the 4 hours to keep your business and clients happy while removing any other tasks?
You can also seek out programs working with a therapist if you’re really struggling. Take some time off or back off a little to check in with yourself.
Upcoming workshops with Anne.
Whether you’re a clinician or are seeking information for yourself, Anne has you covered.
Her first workshop is focused on continuing education that meets the requirements for those in Ohio that are licensed. It focuses on stressors, burnout and the 3 components but from the view of the clinician.
The workshop, Creating Wellness, looks into the 3 components with more suggestions on implementing them. Anne is passionate about making the information accessible to everyone. “I think a lot of the reasons why I get frustrated with the conversation culturally on self-care is that it's expensive and it's time-consuming.” Anne goes on to say that there’s a shame for people who are thinking they can’t afford to do the self-care being promoted or they don’t have the time and they feel like they’ve failed. The workshops also have concrete takeaways and actions to take.
Helping clients find their way to wellness.
Anne considers herself a guide when it comes to helping her one-on-one patients. She says that therapy is hard and she can’t do the work for the client but she can help them find their way with the right questions and feedback. Her goal is to walk with you, show you the path and speak with you about which direction you’d like to take.
Final thoughts on self-care.
Turn inward and listen to yourself. You’ll know when something isn’t right. Are you feeling tired? Are you still sitting watching Netflix at 2 am? Are you telling yourself to go just a little bit further, work just a little bit more, or stay awake for another hour? Listen to how you feel and what your thinking, then make the changes that will help you get better. “I've been a therapist for like 13 years now... I can't tell you how many people have said, ‘Wow, I wish I had come in sooner.’ I can tell you there have been exactly zero people who have said, ‘I wish I let it get just a little bit worse before I came. No one's ever said that.’
